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My Past Week In Satire 9th Issue

Silly woman with blow dryer

Holy cow, it has been one heck of a week. It seems like everybody on the wrong side of society decided to teleport themselves to me, including Jay-Z, Beyonce, Larry Kudlow, Hillary Clinton, and even the local city street paving crew. I’m not sure where Felix went but he came up missing about three or four weeks ago when Korns latest song came out.

I’ve been fighting the Socialist Space Aliens by myself and I’ve seen some pretty weird things. Peoples faces and bodies changing almost over night and instantaneously, random people teleporting in on holograms telling me to my face they own me and my business, I found a couple of animals that were teleported in from the neighbors, and my cousins leading everybody on a wild goose chase just to show them the gold they had everybody chasing was a price tag on two of the t-shirts I have for sale at the book store. It’s crazy what people will do when they have random people teleporting to them in their sleep and they wake up doing weird things because they think they’re somebody else.

Those Socialist Space Aliens got together and infiltrated even Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo’s mind. They got those two talking about football this and football that and they even got Mike Pence thinking he owned PPHC Compass Publisher. I think I heard one of them call me a horse too, I’m not sure but I had to purchase a new high tech alien baseball bat with all the people I had to beat the heck out of.

Some of the people the Socialist Space Aliens infiltrated got to thinking my business was a Department of Public Works business, another dude said it was a furniture moving business, and every time I had to make upgrades to my front porch a whole bunch of people teleported in even more to say they upgraded and owned my porch. While I was working on that I had to stop and take down some Socialist Space Aliens. I took my orange drill, which I modified into a mini plasma cannon, and took some of them down too. For some reason people still think they can make money out of thin air which the previous week every one of them saw the fake gold they thought they were going to get was just two t-shirts they had to purchase with real tangible money. But, every time I stop and ask people where has doing the things they’ve done gotten them by chasing after fake money, they just kind of give me a deer in the headlights look like “what you mean that’s not real and I’ve never really gotten anywhere or anything with thin air fake money?” I tell them every time, unequivocally “No, if you think about it the things you have you’ve actually worked for physically equal to the amount of hours you’ve worked at your work. Unless you’ve purchased something on credit.” Then they just blink a couple of times and don’t really know what to say. I just shake my head and think to myself “It’s not your fault they’ll learn eventually, but it’s going to be a pain in the but teaching them that lesson and even then they might not learn.”

But, I remember making a high tech sign for one of the other local businesses down the street. His was old and worn out. He wanted a sign that could be protected and had encryption dynamics like that. I did everything the way I do, unequivocally, you know the real Jamin Chavez and not anybody else. Even then I had to get out my high tech baseball bat occasionally and knock down some Socialist Space Aliens. Even though the way I did everything looked and seemed dumb the end result was like magic.

I also found some other dude, a banker at my bank, is an author from some weird planet called Moron 3. Everybody there is kind of tall, slender, and has a slightly painful wide-eyed look on their face. I found out he was really jealous of pretty much every one of my skills and that he’s a banker and an author stuck working there while I actually own and operate a publishing business, write, and sell books. People from that planet get really jealous anyway but come to find out the neighbors cat walked up to me one day with some intel. She didn’t tell me her name but said she was filling in for Felix, from the planet Barf, until I got another replacement. She said the banker author dude was behind almost everything and my Aunt and Uncle were controlling him with a mini positronic brain. I said “Ok thanks for the intel. I’ll send a message to the bank. Thanks.” She strode away turned and paused for a second and said “I know, I’m going to catch some rabbits.”

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My Past Week In Satire 8th Issue

Silly woman with blow dryer

Holy mother fun lovin flying squirrels and Texas sized mosquito’s, it has been one heck of a week. I’m not sure where I’ve been but I do know I had a birthday on the 9th that was ok. Yes, to me my birthday was just ok. I got a lot of birthday wishes but I got grumpy and decided to pretty much work the whole day.

Felix was doing his normal intel gathering and travels throughout the neighborhood. All I know is that the past month or two I realized quick that Felix and I, not to mention everybody else, had been through the exact same situations and scenarios with the exact same people, and saying pretty much the exact same things to the same people. I would wake up with my head feeling like I had a hangover for about a month straight. I’m not sure how that happened especially since I don’t drink. Also, the same people tried visiting me and I’ve gathered my neighbors have spread some gossip making me into some crazy dude that can only be talked to about once every two or three months. I mean I know I pick my nose even when I’m outside and I scratch my butt when everybody is looking but holy cow! I’m not crazy….I’m just really into running my bookstore and publishing business and it seems like there’s way too many rednecks around where I live.

During those mornings of weird hangovers and groundhog day occurrences I’d usually end up getting irritated just like everybody else and throw something. I think at some point I accidentally wiped a booger on Felix, got irritated at myself, and just when I looked up to let out a sigh of exasperation one of the neighbor kids was standing about fifteen feet away from me picking his nose. So, I picked the booger out of Felix’s fur and asked him if he had any information for me.

Felix said “I’m not sure, it took me a while to wake up from my hangover too. I wasn’t able to go anywhere today or yesterday. I slept so much I think I drooled on your pillow while you were working.” I kind of hand palmed my forehead and said “Ok, I’ll forgive you for that since I accidentally wiped a booger on your fur.” The past month or two I’ve stopped watching the news altogether because I got tired of being visited at random hours of the night by news personalities scaring the crap out of me with their crazy hair and runny mascara. Every time they poof into my bedroom through the teleport that’s pretty much what they end up looking like. I’m sure they look prettier before they teleport but I think the technicians tweek that on purpose so they won’t visit me so much in the middle of the night. However, I don’t think any of them have learned their lesson and most of them don’t have any shame it seems like.

For some reason the volume of people trying to visit me picked up tremendously and Felix was about to go crazy with all the notes they were trying to make him take down. Everything was so much of a daze and haze that when I saw the Socialist Space Aliens wiz by on their alfalfa brooms they didn’t look as crazy. Their usual stuck crazy face looked happy strangely enough. But, for some reason I didn’t think that detail was very important at the time.

I mean even right now, some of the lady news anchors just teleported in scaring the crap out of Felix. They zapped in and Felix jumped up about five feet off the ground and bounced off the wall. As they walk up about two feet behind me I can see their messed up Afro like hair out of my peripheral vision. When this happens I dip my head in exasperation and let out an annoyed sigh. I ask “What the heck do you ladies want this time? You just scared the heck out of Felix and I really hate it when you guys look over my shoulder trying to tell me what to write. As if you guys don’t try to teleport into my house as quietly as you can without me noticing and try to get me to do whatever you want enough anyway.” I turn around and one of them gestures for a hug and I guess the look I gave her made her think twice. She kind of stepped back and said “Yes, I know the hair and mascara but we love you.” I replied “I don’t think so. I know you ladies. You work half way across the country and your just as bad as my three sisters when I was growing up. Always trying to say I’m cute, handsom, or I’m good at this, or Jamin you’re so strong can you do this or that for me? Ummmmm….no…give it a rest. I only listen to ladies that are not weirdos.” Then one of the news anchor ladies crossed her arms while leaning back on one leg and said “That’s our Daddy. Grumpy as heck some times but we love him.” I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes at them noticing Felix peek around the corner with his high tech baseball bat drawn ready to attack. I said “Ladies, I’m just going to ignore you for now ok? I’m a little annoyed.”

The next day I was fed up. I got tired of waking up with a weird hangover feeling and decided to have Felix break out the tech scanner. We had to order another one because the last one got stolen. Somebody broke in and left a blue and white bandanna with circle patterns on it. He turned it on and reminded me to keep my hands holding the sides of my pants up even though I have a belt. For some reason that thing has a knack of loosening things like shoestrings and and watch bands after you go through it and neither of us wanted to risk being embarrassed. After I got done being scanned and we discovered both of us had tons of shrunken Socialist Space Aliens, politicians, news personalities, and local people in our heads. Some how Felix got shrunk and put into my head to which explains why both of us looked like those guys from “King of the Hill” standing out front drinking coffee. Hmmm

All of a sudden I remember hearing somebody saying “who are these people” in the middle of the night, one night. I’m not sure if I was asleep or not but I remember seeing an energized ball of something coming at me and another person saying “They’re constituents”. Then I heard a muffled “Hmmhmm…hmmm….mhmhmmm” and I went back into the scanner to be analyzed. We found every individual that was in both our heads. Some got stuck, some were put there, and more than half were bad guys. Felix looked up at me and said “Ya know, this usually happens when the news people go into panic mode. You get irritated at them and everybody else, go and do your own thing, they either get worried, or ornery.” I looked back at him and said “Yeah I know but I just don’t understand why they didn’t just fight back when this happened because I’m sure what happened to me and you happened to them as well.” All of a sudden a buzzer sounded on the tech scanner and it pulled out Bernie Sanders. It was really weird because there were two or three of him in holographic form. That’s where the muffled sound was coming from.

When Bernie Sanders popped out Felix and I could hear “Rumba” music and all three of the Bernie holograms were doing the “Cha Cha”. I’ve never seen Bernie Sanders dance before, but it is really something I never want to see again. We both drew our space alien baseball bats because as soon as he noticed us a bunch of Socialist Space aliens popped out of our heads to fight us and defend Bernie. Bernie Sanders ran away in a big poof and we got stuck fighting and beating the heck out of most everybody we pulled and maximized from our heads. We had so many people miniaturized in there that this went on for almost a week and a half. We also found that some of the last people to be pulled out were locals and three really annoying ladies that think bagging groceries is somehow working at a salon……weird.

While fighting the Socialist Space Aliens Felix and I learned some new tactics. We call them “Play dough brain”, “starburst” which is us giving the bad guys the same feeling they gave us every morning, and the really tough aliens “BECIAN” which means brain electrify cloud ionize and neutralize. Saying the acronym sounds like beacon. Their kryptonite is all three but beacon is the worst.

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    My Past Week In Satire 7th Issue #SNRTG

    Silly woman with blow dryer

    I’m not sure exactly what’s going on, but I have had one heck of a…..I guess month. I’ve been really busy rebuilding a porch and fighting off Socialist Space Aliens at the same time with Felix. I learned that Jerrold Nadler is the Master of the Repeat. Felix came back with some intel from an Alien clan called Clan Giant Nose. They pronounce that different and in a language I can’t even say but that’s their name. For some reason they all look alike and have really big noses. The bigger their nose the higher their rank. Jerrold Nadler has a huge nose and Felix explained to me he’s from that clan.

    I also found out that Felix has been dating this lady that tried to get me in trouble. She has three kids, thinks she’s some sort of Barbie witch, eats nothing but Gluten free food, and her boyfriend looks like some character from the old “Rat Fink” 60s cartoons of ugly biker guys. Kinda weird that I think of it but his name starts with a “J” too.

    When I asked Felix about that he kinda paused and said “Well, I have more than one skill and even though I’m kinda dating her she doesn’t know what kind of secret equipment I can hide in my fur.” I said “OK, that works for me….is she listening to this conversation?” He replied “Yes, she probably is. Even though she’s not a Socialist Space Alien she thinks she can’t do anything unless she teleports to your head all the time. She told me she comes from a long line of good witches at first. Then I got to know her more and she’s actually evil. She turned that way when some dude made her angry. Hillary Clinton teleported to her head and Jerrold Nadler made her believe he is her father like Darth Vader did to Luke.” Felix paused for a moment tilted his head slightly to the side and said “I’m not sure why she thinks Jerrold Nadler is her father because their noses really don’t look the same. Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi have pretty much taught her everything she knows….which by now isn’t much compared to how much you know. Things just get annoying because Jerrold Nadler of Clan Giant Nose keeps making everything repeat itself. But, somehow even that Barbie Witch Lady seems to forget. Maybe that’s why she’s so angry all the time.”

    I said “All that’s really weird and that’s probably why I keep having to explain things to everybody. Those two are really annoying. Yes, I know she’s teleported to my head and listening. I can hear that smug and arrogant deep lady voice she has like she thinks she’s Maleficent or something.” Just then I involuntarily bit my lip, got irritated, tapped the Invert button on my teleport belt, grabbed Felix, and jumped in to kick her butt. I hate it when they get irritated at me even though they teleported to my head or sector.

    Poof! Me and Felix jumped back out while sheathing our Space Alien baseball bats. I said to Felix “Man, she gets really irritated when she knows I’m right doesn’t she?” Felix bust out laughing with that hiss laugh of his while saying “I bet she gets even more irritated when she’s reminded she chose an ugly boyfriend.” We both shared a laugh and got back to work on the porch. Just before we started working Felix reminded me he had some more intel to share with me.

    We took a break and Felix began explaining to me some more things he found out. Felix said “Well, I have something I’m sure you’ll find interesting, might make you happy, I’m not sure yet. But here goes…I found out there are tons of awesome women that took a vote on the multiple wife thing and they all voted yes.” I kinda looked at him in disbelief and Felix gestured with his paw to hold on for a second. He continued “The women in the United States have gotten really tired of not being able to find a good man and fighting the Socialist Space Aliens for things that matter most to them. They realized that when there’s more of them there are all kinds of benefits. There’s a lot of people that have been doing that anyway.” I said ok I’ll accept that but how come I haven’t noticed anything different or why hasn’t any ladies approached me about this? Felix replied thoughtfully “Hmmm….I’ll have to ask the counsel of Mothers about this. I’m sure they’ll have an answer very soon.” I replied “I mean if they’ve been having that much trouble finding a good man or I guess finding their way to me and other guys they want to be in a multiple relationship with, why don’t they seem like their eagerness matches their troubles or adversity? Something doesn’t seem to be right. You’d think that before you explained this to me they’d have some time to talk about this and already chosen guys they wanted to be with.” Felix replied “This is probably because of that Gluten Free eating Barbie Witch and her evil witch army. They always try to sneak into conversations, warp, and twist things and then all the other women seem to get confused instead of talking to us like they should.” I said “Hmmm, you’re probably right. I know this is probably really important to them and besides you’ve told me multiple times it’s not easy protecting my butt. Yes, it’s a good idea to double check with the Counsel of Mothers. Make this a top priority. I’m getting tired of having to break this crazy cycle of Romantic Foolery.”

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    My Past Week In Satire 6th Issue #SNRTG

    Silly woman with blow dryer

    Man what a past couple of weeks. I feel like I’ve spent all week in my house but from somebody elses perspective. Sort of like I was where they were at looking from their view…..weird. Felix was having a difficult time too. His ears were itching like crazy and he doesn’t really sound much like a cat. More like a synthetic or robot cat. I think he’s got one of them Socialist Space Aliens in his head. I’ve tried getting those weirdos out but seems like they’re stuck in there good. He’s been pretty grumpy lately.

    I saw this one picture on Facebook of this really weird looking fat lady. She looked like one of them characters from the movie 300. I could have sworn I saw the same thing across the street in another yard where this lady was commanding and demanding this Amish guy. He was trying to weedeat and she wouldn’t leave him be. I felt sorry for that guy. Then when I went to the gas station it seemed like I came across the same thing only this time it was a dude. I don’t know I think some people get into that philosophy of parallelism too much.

    I remember when I was in high school I got invited to a party. Most of the kids at the party were the type that like that Emo and Gothic fashion. There were some Nerds there too so that didn’t bother me too much. Some of the kids were in one big room watching Anime and there was another group sitting in the living room playing this role playing game. But I think some people get into that kind of thing waaaaay too much kinda like those people that play adventure role playing video games and they really get into it. I don’t know I went over to both groups and I thought the role playing game group was too weird so I watched some Anime. That wasn’t as weird.

    I forgot all about those things and I guess now when I see somebody doing something weird that’s probably what they’re doing. Some people when they read a book they go a little too far and dress up like one of the characters. But I guess it’s better to do something like that instead of trying to mind meld somebody or use that brain alien teleport hologram technology.

    I remember waking up a couple of times in the middle of the night and Larry Kudlow, Tomi Lahren, and some other news anchors teleported next to my bed and at first it looked like they were all holding hands singing Kumbiya when I opened my eyes. But I noticed my head was moving around without me moving my head. I felt the back of my head and I thought for a second I looked like one of them alien chicks from that movie “Battlefield Earth”. They got that extended head and all of a sudden the people standing next to my bed started chanting “Netflix rules, bus, bus, bus, Netflix rules.” That was weird whatever that meant. Then my stepmom kinda wizzed by in the same type of flash like the Socialist Space Aliens do when their faces get stuck in that crazy position and she was mumbling something about finding a girlfriend like her for her stepson. I thought “I really do not want a girlfriend that looks like her. She has this witch looking nose, a lazy eye, and likes to command and demand things.” Maybe she wasn’t talking about me.

    But, I guess I wouldn’t mind marrying a witch. There’s good ones and bad ones. Most of the good witches are drop dead gorgeous and they have some awesome super powers. It’s just not many will talk to me it seems and I don’t have any clue why. I guess I’m just too grumpy most of the time. But if you had people like Larry Kudlow and a bunch of news anchors visiting you almost every other night in holographic teleportation wouldn’t you be a little grumpy? But, I think I’ve pretty much given up on a girlfriend because now days everybody has all these weird names for men and women except for what they really are. I know what I am though and I know what you are when I see you. But not everybody is Jamin Chavez.

    But, it seemed like they were trying to extend the back of my head so more people could holographic teleport in there. Then I heard something about a living room, a couch, and chairs and Felix flew in and started beating the heck out of everything in sight with his Space Alien baseball bat. I heard him cussing and carrying on like he was so mad his fur was on fire or something. He threw me my Space Alien baseball bat he got me for Christmas and we got to work. I don’t even know why those other two were in my room and none of that made any sense.

    They had the usual messed up mascara with bedhead and Larry had a mustache this time. He doesn’t have much hair on top so his hair wasn’t really messed up but I’ve noticed my hair thinning on top a little. Once me and Felix got everybody cleared out I sat down and asked Felix “Dude, how the heck am I going to find the time to write more books and make Podcasts if all these weird people keep bothering me and waking me up in the middle of the night? Half the time I don’t even know if some of these people are who they project. They’re pretty good at shape and voice shifting.” Felix replied kinda panting with “Well, we’re just going to have to keep kicking butt until both of us find a girlfriend.” I rolled my eyes and asked “Why the heck do you keep on bringing that up?” He said “Because that’s like one of the most important things ever.” I kind of looked at him in disbelief and said “Man, you know those weirdo Socialist Space Aliens keep all the women so busy and messed up I really do not think that will ever happen.” He replied “Jamin, I think it’s because you’re so grumpy all the time and there’s usually somebody pretending to be you. Sometimes you kinda go all Drill Sergeant and get kinda gruff.” I said “Well, that’s just the way I am. But I’m not going to be that way towards the woman I love.” Felix said “Hmmm that is true knowing you…” I kinda gave him this look like I did not want to talk about it anymore and then he got this ornery grin on his face raised his tail and let out a cat fart. Even though Felix can talk to me and he’s an alien cat even he gets surprised when he lets out a fart. We both laughed and I said “Enough for tonight I’m going to sleep.”

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    My Past Week In Satire 5th Issue #SNRTG

    Silly woman with blow dryer

    Well, last week was something else and I’m really glad Felix and I made it through. I was able to sell a couple of books to some interested people. Felix joined me every once and a while but had to leave every now and then to go on some missions. I’m not sure where he goes or what he does but he always comes back with some good intel.

    Me and Felix had to be careful every once in a while because sometimes we see those Socialist Space Aliens flying by leaving a faint streak. It kinda looks like those lines left by a Tron motorcycle. But, when they fly by using their teleport technology they always have this really goofy look on their face like the crazy emoji. I think their face gets stuck like that when they hit the button for teleport.

    Anyway, Felix came back with some intel after I sold my first book and told me something was about to happen. He said the Socialist Space Aliens came up with a plan to spread some controversy about some business transaction. I said “Hmm, Ok I’ll stay on the lookout” and then he trotted off somewhere around the house. Next thing I know a dude walked up and kinda talked like he was a little drunk. He obviously wasn’t drunk but he wanted to buy some coffee and asked about my books. I explained some things to him but while I was talking a couple of Socialist Space Aliens teleported and shrunk themselves into my head. I got really annoyed but I couldn’t do much because I was talking to a customer.

    He asked me if I wrote the book and if I was Jamin Chavez. I said yes to both but it seemed like he was talking right through me to one of the Socialist Space Aliens or one of them Gazoo characters. I wasn’t sure which it was but they love to take the credit for something they did not really do. What they do is try to commandeer somebody that’s knowledgeable and has experience about something and they call that what they do for work or their job. Then once they’re done bugging the heck out of you and trying to tell you what to do they leave for a short while. When they’re out in public and not shrunk they talk in the third person and explain all the things they claim they did but did not. Felix explained that to me the day before so I’d be prepared.

    Felix says they love shrinking themselves and piling in my head because they think I’m Thorby the Space Prince and they can’t make any decisions unless their in my head. I remember after he explained that to me I said “Umm, well if whether I’m some Space Prince or King or whatever it is I’m supposed to be isn’t that my decision anyway? I mean if I have the power and authority they need to do something can’t I just use that power and authority to order them to never shrink themselves and pile into my head anymore?” Felix looked at me and said “Yes, that is a valid point and makes sense. But you know them they’re completely nuts anyway. They’re usually shrunk and in each others heads and they never make any sense and just do whatever multiple people tell them in any given moment.” I replied “Yeah, I know they are nuts but what I just explained is like sort of endless or infinite. If a person has their mind and body as their own property and belongs to them, plus if you’re in a position of power and authority, that means you also have the power and authority to make it where they cannot be in your head using that power and authority.” Felix got this sort of surprised amazed look on his face and said “Dog gone and then said ok that works. I’ll send word back to the planet Barf so they can make that a law. But don’t expect them Socialist Space Aliens to listen because they’re usually high as a kite.”

    Back to the dude I was talking about. He was kinda talking to me like I wasn’t even there for a moment and I signed a copy of a book and showed him how to use the coffee maker selling him two cups of coffee. He handed me a $20 and told me to keep the change. That kind of surprised me and asked him if he was sure. He said something about he wouldn’t accept anything else. Then I remembered I’ve done things like that before as a customer too at other places. I thought “Hmmm that must of been the thing Felix warned me about.” The guy left and I felt pretty happy and my head kind of jerked to the side because the Space Alien flew off in a hurry mumbling something about a plan.

    Also, last week I wanted to get some Chinese food because I hadn’t had any in a while. For some reason the Socialist Space Aliens got wind of where I was going and attacked me trying to keep up with where I was going. I ended up beating off most of them with my high tech baseball bat sword Felix got me for Christmas. But, it was interesting because I as soon as I left the Chinese food restaurant Felix teleported himself into the passenger seat. He said it was important. He kind of startled me and said we had to switch to doing some detective work. He said “Hey, I just got some intel that this area is where some of the Socialist Space Aliens do some of their main operations and we need to do some interrogation and sniffin. Apparently the Dominos across the street has some method going on every time somebody orders Chinese food. They think that when somebody orders pizza and Chinese food that means to set plans in motion and sort of cross “The Great Wall of China” which translates into peoples heads. Then the Dominos drivers drive down the street past the Chinese food restaurant straight towards Truman State University and they’ve been saying basically Truman State University is your head since your going to school and all.” I said “What the heck?! Is that why they bug the heck out of me all the time and shrink teleport themselves in my head? Gee whiz Felix I don’t even go to Truman State. I go to a different school.” Felix snorted and said “Yeah, I know but like I always say, they’re nuts.”

    Well, the both of us did some sniffing and I went into Dominos Pizza to get a couple of sodas and noticed a third lady out of the other two that day wearing Ty-di t-shirts. Felix explained to me before that those are special shirts and have high tech powers meant to mesmerize somebody. I remembered that and for some reason those t-shirts don’t have any effect on me…weird. Anyway, the lady behind the counter gave me a big bottle of soda and one smaller one even though I asked for two small ones. I said something about getting fat and asked her if the layout meant anything. She said something about having no idea and I replied with “Well, whoever it was probably had the wrong idea or not any idea at all.” I threw some things in the trashcan next to her, paid, and then left to go home and enjoy some Chinese food. I thought to myself the owners of the Chinese resteraunt are really good people and they make the best Chinese food around. I really hope they’re not being bothered by anybody that works at Dominos or anything.

    So, till next time stay tuned for the Adventures of Jamin and Felix or My Past Week In Satire.