Where do I begin? Holy cow farts. You know that weird feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and you feel high as a kite? That feeling like a bunch of dignitaries and politicians went all college kid style partying in your head? I mean they had beer, a pool, they were watching movies, making some movies of their own, they were dancing on tables, and using certain paraphernalia.
I woke up a couple of times on different days like there was at least two or three fat people in my head, at least five or six hundred women, some porn stars, some wanna be porn stars, half of these people socialists, some people ugly and fat on welfare good at different voices like Mel Blanc, and Larry Kudlow right in the middle of it all sitting there smoking a cigar two women on each side and talking like Gollum from “The Lord of The Rings.” That really makes for a weird dream and sometimes that is what I dream, but that’s how I felt waking up.
Then my cat Jonah said his real name is Felix and he had to inspire me to call him Jonah at first to protect me. He had recently returned from his planet Barf gathering intel and conducting research on planet earth to protect us. He’s got a wound behind his right ear because he’s good at telepathy and some of his enemies are women in their twenties that like to pretend they’re cats. They telepathy him back and make his ears itch all the time just so they can bother me. He leaves on his own adventures so he won’t bother me. He’s made some pretty weird noises and when I look at him funny he
Felix walked up to me one day last week and gave me an intel report. He said my home town has been run by Socialists and Communists for the last fifty years or so by a group called the T-Birds. They’re old codgers now but they’re just as annoying and they think they’re in that movie “Grease.” Everybody in my hometown knows telepathy and they bug the heck out of each other all the time. They come up with these crazy ideas, test them there on the local population, and if they work they send the ideas and plans off to important Socialists in Washington. Felix told me that my hometown was the Socialists “North Star” similar to Texas’ North Star theme.
Andrea Ocasio Cortez was found dancing around in my head, Felix said. He was staring at me one day and said my voice sounded sorta like I got a wiff of helium somehow. I said “You’re kidding” and he looked at me and said “I’m an alien cat from Barf why the heck would I be kidding, can you see the look on my face?” I said “No, not really. You don’t make very many facial expressions.” He rolled his eyes and when he did that AOC chimed in and went all crazy because he rolled his eyes at her.
Felix threw me the high tech alien baseball bat he got me for Christmas, which projects the enemies in your head in front of you, and I got to work beating the nonsense out of everybody bothering me. Somehow I found Larry Kudlow in there. I said “what the heck are you bothering me for?” He said in a Gollum voice “I’m here to implement Bernie Sanders plan about the bankers.” Then I whacked him a couple of times over the head with that high tech alien baseball bat. Then him and all his friends left. Sometimes its difficult to tell which Gollum I’m beating the snot out of because there’s so many different people that like to use that voice to conceal their identity. Half the time I feel like I’m going through scenes of that TV show “Fringe.” Weird.
Anyway, Felix explained to me that ever since the Communists and Socialists found out that human beings were capable of telepathy, pigs can really fly (only they’re invisible), aliens are real and not just from another country, and Hillary Clinton answers all my telemarketing phone calls for me the Socialists have been doing really weird and bad things. I had to sit back for that one. He said “What they do is they gang up on somebody important and they continuously bug the heck out of them and drive them crazy. It’s all about world domination and their form of putting somebody they think important in jail.” I said “Oh boy” and he said “Oh boy is right. Those cat and dog movies are really about us from the planet barf and that’s why were here is to save you.”
Ever see “Men in Black?” Well, I also found out that Fox news is the headquarters similar to the one in Men in Black where all the aliens come and go. All the top secret operations go on there but so much is going on that nobody notices really. Half of the news anchors are really aliens. I mean look at that news anchor dude Shep and Karley Shimkus. His eyes are set really wide and hers are buggy and she loves donuts.
But, a person has to be careful because if they think you have a talent they’ll steal as much information as possible so they can look good and beautiful. They’ll get you while you’re asleep and put these antenna things in your head where a floor plan projection is placed so they can walk in and out and do things. They think that if they’re in your head whatever you say or do they’re actually the ones doing it. If you take a poop they’ll say they really took that poop, if you pick your nose and they’re telepathing your head and they’re in there they’ll say they’re really the ones picking their nose and not you, or if you earn an award and they’re in your head they’ll take all the credit and say they earned that award because they’re elites and your too stupid to earn an award like that. Again Felix explains all this to me. He goes on these secret missions and teaches me how to fight just like Yoda did Luke.
Whew….that was a lot. People, that was my past week in satire. I guess I wouldn’t be writing these things if I had a girlfriend, in which case if I did that would significantly weaken the Socialists because men and women are stronger together. Then my cat Felix would stop reporting to me that they’re actually calling me a man and a woman…weird. Anyway, tune in next time for “My Week in Satire”.