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My Past Week In Satire 9th Issue

Silly woman with blow dryer

Holy cow, it has been one heck of a week. It seems like everybody on the wrong side of society decided to teleport themselves to me, including Jay-Z, Beyonce, Larry Kudlow, Hillary Clinton, and even the local city street paving crew. I’m not sure where Felix went but he came up missing about three or four weeks ago when Korns latest song came out.

I’ve been fighting the Socialist Space Aliens by myself and I’ve seen some pretty weird things. Peoples faces and bodies changing almost over night and instantaneously, random people teleporting in on holograms telling me to my face they own me and my business, I found a couple of animals that were teleported in from the neighbors, and my cousins leading everybody on a wild goose chase just to show them the gold they had everybody chasing was a price tag on two of the t-shirts I have for sale at the book store. It’s crazy what people will do when they have random people teleporting to them in their sleep and they wake up doing weird things because they think they’re somebody else.

Those Socialist Space Aliens got together and infiltrated even Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo’s mind. They got those two talking about football this and football that and they even got Mike Pence thinking he owned PPHC Compass Publisher. I think I heard one of them call me a horse too, I’m not sure but I had to purchase a new high tech alien baseball bat with all the people I had to beat the heck out of.

Some of the people the Socialist Space Aliens infiltrated got to thinking my business was a Department of Public Works business, another dude said it was a furniture moving business, and every time I had to make upgrades to my front porch a whole bunch of people teleported in even more to say they upgraded and owned my porch. While I was working on that I had to stop and take down some Socialist Space Aliens. I took my orange drill, which I modified into a mini plasma cannon, and took some of them down too. For some reason people still think they can make money out of thin air which the previous week every one of them saw the fake gold they thought they were going to get was just two t-shirts they had to purchase with real tangible money. But, every time I stop and ask people where has doing the things they’ve done gotten them by chasing after fake money, they just kind of give me a deer in the headlights look like “what you mean that’s not real and I’ve never really gotten anywhere or anything with thin air fake money?” I tell them every time, unequivocally “No, if you think about it the things you have you’ve actually worked for physically equal to the amount of hours you’ve worked at your work. Unless you’ve purchased something on credit.” Then they just blink a couple of times and don’t really know what to say. I just shake my head and think to myself “It’s not your fault they’ll learn eventually, but it’s going to be a pain in the but teaching them that lesson and even then they might not learn.”

But, I remember making a high tech sign for one of the other local businesses down the street. His was old and worn out. He wanted a sign that could be protected and had encryption dynamics like that. I did everything the way I do, unequivocally, you know the real Jamin Chavez and not anybody else. Even then I had to get out my high tech baseball bat occasionally and knock down some Socialist Space Aliens. Even though the way I did everything looked and seemed dumb the end result was like magic.

I also found some other dude, a banker at my bank, is an author from some weird planet called Moron 3. Everybody there is kind of tall, slender, and has a slightly painful wide-eyed look on their face. I found out he was really jealous of pretty much every one of my skills and that he’s a banker and an author stuck working there while I actually own and operate a publishing business, write, and sell books. People from that planet get really jealous anyway but come to find out the neighbors cat walked up to me one day with some intel. She didn’t tell me her name but said she was filling in for Felix, from the planet Barf, until I got another replacement. She said the banker author dude was behind almost everything and my Aunt and Uncle were controlling him with a mini positronic brain. I said “Ok thanks for the intel. I’ll send a message to the bank. Thanks.” She strode away turned and paused for a second and said “I know, I’m going to catch some rabbits.”

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