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My Past Week In Satire 8th Issue

Silly woman with blow dryer

Holy mother fun lovin flying squirrels and Texas sized mosquito’s, it has been one heck of a week. I’m not sure where I’ve been but I do know I had a birthday on the 9th that was ok. Yes, to me my birthday was just ok. I got a lot of birthday wishes but I got grumpy and decided to pretty much work the whole day.

Felix was doing his normal intel gathering and travels throughout the neighborhood. All I know is that the past month or two I realized quick that Felix and I, not to mention everybody else, had been through the exact same situations and scenarios with the exact same people, and saying pretty much the exact same things to the same people. I would wake up with my head feeling like I had a hangover for about a month straight. I’m not sure how that happened especially since I don’t drink. Also, the same people tried visiting me and I’ve gathered my neighbors have spread some gossip making me into some crazy dude that can only be talked to about once every two or three months. I mean I know I pick my nose even when I’m outside and I scratch my butt when everybody is looking but holy cow! I’m not crazy….I’m just really into running my bookstore and publishing business and it seems like there’s way too many rednecks around where I live.

During those mornings of weird hangovers and groundhog day occurrences I’d usually end up getting irritated just like everybody else and throw something. I think at some point I accidentally wiped a booger on Felix, got irritated at myself, and just when I looked up to let out a sigh of exasperation one of the neighbor kids was standing about fifteen feet away from me picking his nose. So, I picked the booger out of Felix’s fur and asked him if he had any information for me.

Felix said “I’m not sure, it took me a while to wake up from my hangover too. I wasn’t able to go anywhere today or yesterday. I slept so much I think I drooled on your pillow while you were working.” I kind of hand palmed my forehead and said “Ok, I’ll forgive you for that since I accidentally wiped a booger on your fur.” The past month or two I’ve stopped watching the news altogether because I got tired of being visited at random hours of the night by news personalities scaring the crap out of me with their crazy hair and runny mascara. Every time they poof into my bedroom through the teleport that’s pretty much what they end up looking like. I’m sure they look prettier before they teleport but I think the technicians tweek that on purpose so they won’t visit me so much in the middle of the night. However, I don’t think any of them have learned their lesson and most of them don’t have any shame it seems like.

For some reason the volume of people trying to visit me picked up tremendously and Felix was about to go crazy with all the notes they were trying to make him take down. Everything was so much of a daze and haze that when I saw the Socialist Space Aliens wiz by on their alfalfa brooms they didn’t look as crazy. Their usual stuck crazy face looked happy strangely enough. But, for some reason I didn’t think that detail was very important at the time.

I mean even right now, some of the lady news anchors just teleported in scaring the crap out of Felix. They zapped in and Felix jumped up about five feet off the ground and bounced off the wall. As they walk up about two feet behind me I can see their messed up Afro like hair out of my peripheral vision. When this happens I dip my head in exasperation and let out an annoyed sigh. I ask “What the heck do you ladies want this time? You just scared the heck out of Felix and I really hate it when you guys look over my shoulder trying to tell me what to write. As if you guys don’t try to teleport into my house as quietly as you can without me noticing and try to get me to do whatever you want enough anyway.” I turn around and one of them gestures for a hug and I guess the look I gave her made her think twice. She kind of stepped back and said “Yes, I know the hair and mascara but we love you.” I replied “I don’t think so. I know you ladies. You work half way across the country and your just as bad as my three sisters when I was growing up. Always trying to say I’m cute, handsom, or I’m good at this, or Jamin you’re so strong can you do this or that for me? Ummmmm….no…give it a rest. I only listen to ladies that are not weirdos.” Then one of the news anchor ladies crossed her arms while leaning back on one leg and said “That’s our Daddy. Grumpy as heck some times but we love him.” I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes at them noticing Felix peek around the corner with his high tech baseball bat drawn ready to attack. I said “Ladies, I’m just going to ignore you for now ok? I’m a little annoyed.”

The next day I was fed up. I got tired of waking up with a weird hangover feeling and decided to have Felix break out the tech scanner. We had to order another one because the last one got stolen. Somebody broke in and left a blue and white bandanna with circle patterns on it. He turned it on and reminded me to keep my hands holding the sides of my pants up even though I have a belt. For some reason that thing has a knack of loosening things like shoestrings and and watch bands after you go through it and neither of us wanted to risk being embarrassed. After I got done being scanned and we discovered both of us had tons of shrunken Socialist Space Aliens, politicians, news personalities, and local people in our heads. Some how Felix got shrunk and put into my head to which explains why both of us looked like those guys from “King of the Hill” standing out front drinking coffee. Hmmm

All of a sudden I remember hearing somebody saying “who are these people” in the middle of the night, one night. I’m not sure if I was asleep or not but I remember seeing an energized ball of something coming at me and another person saying “They’re constituents”. Then I heard a muffled “Hmmhmm…hmmm….mhmhmmm” and I went back into the scanner to be analyzed. We found every individual that was in both our heads. Some got stuck, some were put there, and more than half were bad guys. Felix looked up at me and said “Ya know, this usually happens when the news people go into panic mode. You get irritated at them and everybody else, go and do your own thing, they either get worried, or ornery.” I looked back at him and said “Yeah I know but I just don’t understand why they didn’t just fight back when this happened because I’m sure what happened to me and you happened to them as well.” All of a sudden a buzzer sounded on the tech scanner and it pulled out Bernie Sanders. It was really weird because there were two or three of him in holographic form. That’s where the muffled sound was coming from.

When Bernie Sanders popped out Felix and I could hear “Rumba” music and all three of the Bernie holograms were doing the “Cha Cha”. I’ve never seen Bernie Sanders dance before, but it is really something I never want to see again. We both drew our space alien baseball bats because as soon as he noticed us a bunch of Socialist Space aliens popped out of our heads to fight us and defend Bernie. Bernie Sanders ran away in a big poof and we got stuck fighting and beating the heck out of most everybody we pulled and maximized from our heads. We had so many people miniaturized in there that this went on for almost a week and a half. We also found that some of the last people to be pulled out were locals and three really annoying ladies that think bagging groceries is somehow working at a salon……weird.

While fighting the Socialist Space Aliens Felix and I learned some new tactics. We call them “Play dough brain”, “starburst” which is us giving the bad guys the same feeling they gave us every morning, and the really tough aliens “BECIAN” which means brain electrify cloud ionize and neutralize. Saying the acronym sounds like beacon. Their kryptonite is all three but beacon is the worst.


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