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My Past Week In Satire 7th Issue #SNRTG

Silly woman with blow dryer

I’m not sure exactly what’s going on, but I have had one heck of a…..I guess month. I’ve been really busy rebuilding a porch and fighting off Socialist Space Aliens at the same time with Felix. I learned that Jerrold Nadler is the Master of the Repeat. Felix came back with some intel from an Alien clan called Clan Giant Nose. They pronounce that different and in a language I can’t even say but that’s their name. For some reason they all look alike and have really big noses. The bigger their nose the higher their rank. Jerrold Nadler has a huge nose and Felix explained to me he’s from that clan.

I also found out that Felix has been dating this lady that tried to get me in trouble. She has three kids, thinks she’s some sort of Barbie witch, eats nothing but Gluten free food, and her boyfriend looks like some character from the old “Rat Fink” 60s cartoons of ugly biker guys. Kinda weird that I think of it but his name starts with a “J” too.

When I asked Felix about that he kinda paused and said “Well, I have more than one skill and even though I’m kinda dating her she doesn’t know what kind of secret equipment I can hide in my fur.” I said “OK, that works for me….is she listening to this conversation?” He replied “Yes, she probably is. Even though she’s not a Socialist Space Alien she thinks she can’t do anything unless she teleports to your head all the time. She told me she comes from a long line of good witches at first. Then I got to know her more and she’s actually evil. She turned that way when some dude made her angry. Hillary Clinton teleported to her head and Jerrold Nadler made her believe he is her father like Darth Vader did to Luke.” Felix paused for a moment tilted his head slightly to the side and said “I’m not sure why she thinks Jerrold Nadler is her father because their noses really don’t look the same. Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi have pretty much taught her everything she knows….which by now isn’t much compared to how much you know. Things just get annoying because Jerrold Nadler of Clan Giant Nose keeps making everything repeat itself. But, somehow even that Barbie Witch Lady seems to forget. Maybe that’s why she’s so angry all the time.”

I said “All that’s really weird and that’s probably why I keep having to explain things to everybody. Those two are really annoying. Yes, I know she’s teleported to my head and listening. I can hear that smug and arrogant deep lady voice she has like she thinks she’s Maleficent or something.” Just then I involuntarily bit my lip, got irritated, tapped the Invert button on my teleport belt, grabbed Felix, and jumped in to kick her butt. I hate it when they get irritated at me even though they teleported to my head or sector.

Poof! Me and Felix jumped back out while sheathing our Space Alien baseball bats. I said to Felix “Man, she gets really irritated when she knows I’m right doesn’t she?” Felix bust out laughing with that hiss laugh of his while saying “I bet she gets even more irritated when she’s reminded she chose an ugly boyfriend.” We both shared a laugh and got back to work on the porch. Just before we started working Felix reminded me he had some more intel to share with me.

We took a break and Felix began explaining to me some more things he found out. Felix said “Well, I have something I’m sure you’ll find interesting, might make you happy, I’m not sure yet. But here goes…I found out there are tons of awesome women that took a vote on the multiple wife thing and they all voted yes.” I kinda looked at him in disbelief and Felix gestured with his paw to hold on for a second. He continued “The women in the United States have gotten really tired of not being able to find a good man and fighting the Socialist Space Aliens for things that matter most to them. They realized that when there’s more of them there are all kinds of benefits. There’s a lot of people that have been doing that anyway.” I said ok I’ll accept that but how come I haven’t noticed anything different or why hasn’t any ladies approached me about this? Felix replied thoughtfully “Hmmm….I’ll have to ask the counsel of Mothers about this. I’m sure they’ll have an answer very soon.” I replied “I mean if they’ve been having that much trouble finding a good man or I guess finding their way to me and other guys they want to be in a multiple relationship with, why don’t they seem like their eagerness matches their troubles or adversity? Something doesn’t seem to be right. You’d think that before you explained this to me they’d have some time to talk about this and already chosen guys they wanted to be with.” Felix replied “This is probably because of that Gluten Free eating Barbie Witch and her evil witch army. They always try to sneak into conversations, warp, and twist things and then all the other women seem to get confused instead of talking to us like they should.” I said “Hmmm, you’re probably right. I know this is probably really important to them and besides you’ve told me multiple times it’s not easy protecting my butt. Yes, it’s a good idea to double check with the Counsel of Mothers. Make this a top priority. I’m getting tired of having to break this crazy cycle of Romantic Foolery.”

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