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My Past Week In Satire 5th Issue #SNRTG

Silly woman with blow dryer

Well, last week was something else and I’m really glad Felix and I made it through. I was able to sell a couple of books to some interested people. Felix joined me every once and a while but had to leave every now and then to go on some missions. I’m not sure where he goes or what he does but he always comes back with some good intel.

Me and Felix had to be careful every once in a while because sometimes we see those Socialist Space Aliens flying by leaving a faint streak. It kinda looks like those lines left by a Tron motorcycle. But, when they fly by using their teleport technology they always have this really goofy look on their face like the crazy emoji. I think their face gets stuck like that when they hit the button for teleport.

Anyway, Felix came back with some intel after I sold my first book and told me something was about to happen. He said the Socialist Space Aliens came up with a plan to spread some controversy about some business transaction. I said “Hmm, Ok I’ll stay on the lookout” and then he trotted off somewhere around the house. Next thing I know a dude walked up and kinda talked like he was a little drunk. He obviously wasn’t drunk but he wanted to buy some coffee and asked about my books. I explained some things to him but while I was talking a couple of Socialist Space Aliens teleported and shrunk themselves into my head. I got really annoyed but I couldn’t do much because I was talking to a customer.

He asked me if I wrote the book and if I was Jamin Chavez. I said yes to both but it seemed like he was talking right through me to one of the Socialist Space Aliens or one of them Gazoo characters. I wasn’t sure which it was but they love to take the credit for something they did not really do. What they do is try to commandeer somebody that’s knowledgeable and has experience about something and they call that what they do for work or their job. Then once they’re done bugging the heck out of you and trying to tell you what to do they leave for a short while. When they’re out in public and not shrunk they talk in the third person and explain all the things they claim they did but did not. Felix explained that to me the day before so I’d be prepared.

Felix says they love shrinking themselves and piling in my head because they think I’m Thorby the Space Prince and they can’t make any decisions unless their in my head. I remember after he explained that to me I said “Umm, well if whether I’m some Space Prince or King or whatever it is I’m supposed to be isn’t that my decision anyway? I mean if I have the power and authority they need to do something can’t I just use that power and authority to order them to never shrink themselves and pile into my head anymore?” Felix looked at me and said “Yes, that is a valid point and makes sense. But you know them they’re completely nuts anyway. They’re usually shrunk and in each others heads and they never make any sense and just do whatever multiple people tell them in any given moment.” I replied “Yeah, I know they are nuts but what I just explained is like sort of endless or infinite. If a person has their mind and body as their own property and belongs to them, plus if you’re in a position of power and authority, that means you also have the power and authority to make it where they cannot be in your head using that power and authority.” Felix got this sort of surprised amazed look on his face and said “Dog gone and then said ok that works. I’ll send word back to the planet Barf so they can make that a law. But don’t expect them Socialist Space Aliens to listen because they’re usually high as a kite.”

Back to the dude I was talking about. He was kinda talking to me like I wasn’t even there for a moment and I signed a copy of a book and showed him how to use the coffee maker selling him two cups of coffee. He handed me a $20 and told me to keep the change. That kind of surprised me and asked him if he was sure. He said something about he wouldn’t accept anything else. Then I remembered I’ve done things like that before as a customer too at other places. I thought “Hmmm that must of been the thing Felix warned me about.” The guy left and I felt pretty happy and my head kind of jerked to the side because the Space Alien flew off in a hurry mumbling something about a plan.

Also, last week I wanted to get some Chinese food because I hadn’t had any in a while. For some reason the Socialist Space Aliens got wind of where I was going and attacked me trying to keep up with where I was going. I ended up beating off most of them with my high tech baseball bat sword Felix got me for Christmas. But, it was interesting because I as soon as I left the Chinese food restaurant Felix teleported himself into the passenger seat. He said it was important. He kind of startled me and said we had to switch to doing some detective work. He said “Hey, I just got some intel that this area is where some of the Socialist Space Aliens do some of their main operations and we need to do some interrogation and sniffin. Apparently the Dominos across the street has some method going on every time somebody orders Chinese food. They think that when somebody orders pizza and Chinese food that means to set plans in motion and sort of cross “The Great Wall of China” which translates into peoples heads. Then the Dominos drivers drive down the street past the Chinese food restaurant straight towards Truman State University and they’ve been saying basically Truman State University is your head since your going to school and all.” I said “What the heck?! Is that why they bug the heck out of me all the time and shrink teleport themselves in my head? Gee whiz Felix I don’t even go to Truman State. I go to a different school.” Felix snorted and said “Yeah, I know but like I always say, they’re nuts.”

Well, the both of us did some sniffing and I went into Dominos Pizza to get a couple of sodas and noticed a third lady out of the other two that day wearing Ty-di t-shirts. Felix explained to me before that those are special shirts and have high tech powers meant to mesmerize somebody. I remembered that and for some reason those t-shirts don’t have any effect on me…weird. Anyway, the lady behind the counter gave me a big bottle of soda and one smaller one even though I asked for two small ones. I said something about getting fat and asked her if the layout meant anything. She said something about having no idea and I replied with “Well, whoever it was probably had the wrong idea or not any idea at all.” I threw some things in the trashcan next to her, paid, and then left to go home and enjoy some Chinese food. I thought to myself the owners of the Chinese resteraunt are really good people and they make the best Chinese food around. I really hope they’re not being bothered by anybody that works at Dominos or anything.

So, till next time stay tuned for the Adventures of Jamin and Felix or My Past Week In Satire.

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