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My Past Week In Satire 4th Issue #SNRTG #writingcommunity

Silly woman with blow dryer

I was out on my porch about three or four days ago drinking some coffee like I usually do and Felix walked up to me with another report. I said, “Where you been?” He replied, “Well, I traveled close to Illinois just up to the Mississippi and got some intel from a couple of dogs and a cat that are part of the Resistance.” I asked, “I didn’t know you spoke Woof.” He looked at me and kinda rolled his eyes and said “Yes, I understand Woof and Meow. Don’t ask me how I know I just do. Anyway, remember when you had to stay with your parents for about a year?” I said “Yup, how can I forget? That was crazy.” Felix replied “Well, they’ve been sceamin and caniving even after you left. Remember when you were talking to your Stepmom about needing help with a girlfriend and she gave some stupid reply about not getting married or having a girlfriend until you were like 45 or 50? Well, that’s true and they’re in charge of that even though you’re a grown man and can make your own decisions.”

I asked, “Why the heck would they care who I date or marry and no, they’re not in charge of that.” He replied “Well, the thing is that DeAnna Lorraine was right about relationships in the United States and those Socialist Space Aliens know that’s true too. They know that men and women in America are stronger together and since you are really important they think that if they can keep you from having a girlfriend and get married then that will give them an excuse to keep everybody else in turmoil.” I kinda looked at him with an interesting look and said: “Please continue.” He began again and said, “Well, some months ago they tried comparing you to the First Lady and the President and were saying you are like two in one making you into something like a seahorse. If they’re successful and everybody else starts doing that their crazy goal is to ultimately decrease the population.” I said “Now that’s really weird. I can’t believe people believe this nonsense.” Felix replied “You’d be surprised. Anyway, wait until you hear the second half of my report. But, it’s all a part of their big picture plans, the Socialist Space Aliens. Again, they know you’re a really important author and other Independent Authors understand a lot of things that the more well-known authors don’t take the time to see because they’re too busy with the news and stuff.”

“Anyway, the Socialist Space Aliens keep using their telepathy teleport holographic technology to get into peoples heads. They make them scared to talk to you and make the ladies think they have to do all these things before they can be your girlfriend.” I said “What the heck? I’ve never said anything like that.” Felix replied “Yes, I know and that’s part of the reason why they keep you isolated and your parents keep on coming up with excuses, nonsense, and stupid games to keep everybody busy. They compare some of that to the U.S. Southern Border situation.” I replied, “Ok, now I have to sit down because this is really really weird.” So I sat down and listened to Felix’s report. He said “The Socialist Space Aliens keep on reminding interested ladies that they might be a burden to you and cause extra problems for you, they keep on reminding them that if they talk to you they’ll make them scared and cause more problems for them, and they keep on shrinking themselves entering your brain while your asleep and performing marriages among other weird things. I know because I heard you talking in your sleep one night. You said something like does you take this woman, mumbled something, and then said I do.” I said, “Ya know a lot of these problems would be alleviated if they would just talk to me and keep things simple.” Felix replied, “Yes, I know but there are so many Socialist Space Aliens inhabiting the earth nowadays they gang up on a person that quick.” Felix tried to snap his mandibles on his paw and then got this look on his face like he was irritated. I kinda laughed and Felix replied “That’s not funny. You know if I had fingers I could snap my fingers.”

“The other thing is that the Socialist Space Aliens know about the political situation at the border and they keep shrinking themselves and piling into your head. The reason why they do that is they’ve compared your brain and skull to a figurative border. They made up some stupid game with made up rules that as long as they keep overwhelming your mind you won’t get any work done and that gives them an excuse to keep sending people from the South up North. They know you live by yourself and their rationale is that nobody really cares about you except for me and the members of the Resistance will get tired of helping you and other Independent Authors. But, this all ties into the big picture of not being able to get a girlfriend, your parents being in charge of a battalion of Socialist Aliens so they can use you, and politics.” I said “What the heck? So, they keep bugging the crap out of me, potential friends, and keep me to myself just so they can keep using me?” Felix replied “Pretty much. They think your real name is Thorby or something weird like that. They think that if they’re in your head it gives them the authority to do whatever they want. Weirdos and I that’s another reason why you and I have to keep on pulling out our high tech space swords and kicking Socialist Space Alien butt.”

At that point, I turned from him and took a sip of coffee and asked him if he wanted a sip. He shook his head no and said: “I love coffee but I can’t have much because if I do I get like one of those squirrels on an energy drink.” I took a deep breath and said: “Ok, what else you got?” Felix also took a deep breath and said: “Well, one of the cats I talked to a couple of days ago said that the Socialist Space Aliens have been tweaking some of their mind teleport technology so they can focus in on a certain area of a person’s brain, like concentrated wise.” I said, “What do you mean?” He said “Well, it seems they can pile a whole bunch of themselves in a certain area of a person’s brain, like in a small blob and that causes problems. Come to find out that’s their way of giving somebody artificial brain cancer. If they’re in a certain part of the human brain long enough the cells in the brain will start to grow all weird giving people headaches and making them tired all the time.” I said, “Well, we need to get to work on figuring out a cure for that because that could include a lot of innocent and important people.” Then Felix nodded his head in agreement.

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