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My Past Week In Satire 3rd Issue #WritingCommunity #SNRTG

Silly woman with blow dryer

I saw the anonymous app on Facebook last week and thought I’d give that a try. Usually, people don’t ask me questions or answer some of my questions so, again I thought I’d try that. When I did my alien cat, Felix, walked up next to me and told me to be careful. I said, “Ok, what could go wrong?” He just rolled his eyes at me and went into the kitchen.

After a few days some questions started to come in and they were mainly about “Will I ever find love?” or “If I had a crush on you would you ever talk to me?” or something like that. I knew what they were getting at so I responded accordingly in the way that I do. The next day I started getting all these spam friend requests from beautiful women and Facebook accounts that are the dirty themed type. I thought “What the heck?” Those are really annoying, but I remembered something about the space alien Socialists that have invaded our planet. Felix ran into the room and said: “I told you so!” I asked him “Why the heck when I post or respond to something that has to do with dating women or lovey-dovey things, I get all this nonsense?” He said, “It’s because your real name is Thorby and you were meant to be king of the galaxy.” I kind of blinked at him a couple of times and then he busts out laughing in that kind of rawwr hiss hiss cat laugh of his. That gets annoying sometimes.

Anyway, he said he was just kidding. Then he said on a serious note “Actually, that’s the Socialist space aliens methods of milking earthlings for information. They think that a single dude like you that’s an author, works your butt off with your new business, and goes to school is a lamo and doesn’t have time to date. Basically, they think you’re desperate and a good/nice guy.” I kind of looked at him and said “I’m not a good/nice guy” and he replied “I know and that short skinny lady with the Kazoo haircut last night shouldn’t have been messing with you while you were bowling. Now her names going to be Kazoo for the rest of her life.”

With all my lady troubles Felix walked up to me when I was outside drinking coffee on my front porch with an intel report. He said, “You might or might not like this one.” I said “Why not?” and he replied, “Because it has to do with a bunch of lady news anchors.” I rolled my eyes and sighed some anxiety. Felix said, “Ok, well seems a lot of the lady news anchors have a huge crush on you and some of them want to marry you even though they live halfway across the country.” I said, “Oh boy here we go.” Felix began again, tilted his head to the side, pausing before he spoke and said “Yes, I know. Anyway, they just don’t know what to do and they can’t make up their minds and that’s what’s distracting them from their work…well besides the Socialist space aliens doing their mind meld thing all the time.” I said “You know I do my best to keep things professional. You and I get these type of reports all the time. Besides, before we knew what the heck was going on some of them would steal their alien pets teleport’s, walk in our room, and stare at us while we were asleep. Remember that one time I woke up and one of them had really bad bed head and as I turned over she was kneeling on the side of the bed staring at me with googly eyes…AND the bed head. That scared the heck out of me. You know those teleport things really mess up a ladies mascara.”

Felix started laughing again and said, “Yeah I remember that image was in my head for like two weeks.” He continued and said “Well, they need to either just be like that endearing bigger or younger sister or they’re going to make you grumpy again. I hate it when you’re grumpy.” I said “Yeah I know, and long distance relationships don’t work very well anyway. I don’t know if I’d want to date or marry a news anchor. I’m kinda afraid they’ll talk as if they’re reporting everything. I can just imagine me brushing my teeth or looking for my pants and them saying something like ‘today Jamin Chavez brushed his teeth with 177 strokes either way and afterward walked up to his news anchor girlfriend looking for his pants, ME *giggle*, and gave me a kiss’. “We both looked at each other and paused for a second, busted out laughing, and I scratched his neck. Felix started purring and said, “Besides you’re supposed to marry Tommi Lahren.” I replied “Psshh like in a million years. That’s just a rumor anyway and she doesn’t like the fact that I pick my nose when I get busy. Remember she sent me that hologram reprimanding me about that?” Felix just sighed and looked down for a moment.

I asked him “So, what’s the other half of the report?” He looked startled for a second, I guess he spaced out for a second. He looked up again and said “Yes yes, I almost forgot. Remember that one dude we’ve been getting reports on about him acting and sounding like you?” I replied “Yeah, sure.” Felix continued “Well, we figured out who he is. He’s actually from a family of aliens that arrived in your hometown through Fox News space teleport since before you were born. He’s from the planet Bullpucky. They’re a breed of humanoid bullfrogs that can semi shape shift to hide their warts. Well, remember you used to work with him washing dishes at Truman State University?” I replied “Yeah I remember that dude. He looks like a squirrel version of Eminem’s Stan with the blond hair, crazy, and chubby.” Felix replied “Bingo. That’s the one. He’s been harassing all the women news anchors and a bunch of other women by using a stolen holograph teleport. But he was claiming to be you to hide his identity.” I asked “Isn’t he married?” Felix replied “Yeah I think so, but his family is kind of weird. We’ll have to send a squirrel recon team. There’s plenty of nuts on the college campus anyway, they’ll be happy.”

One of the last friend requests I got was from some lady that lives in the Philippines, I think. Anyway, she kind of looked like that short old lady that was making fun of me last night. She sent me a couple of funny pictures and the last one was really creepy that had a picture of a young zombie looking girl all hopped up on energy drinks. Then the last thing she said to me was “I’m just a stranger.” Then it hit me and Felix looked at me at the same time and said “I know. Remember last year when the Socialist space aliens spread that rumor that you were a stranger and everybody on the planet Earth should treat you like they don’t know you?” I said “Yeah I remember and some of those other rumors they spread were kinda out there too. Like the rumor that I like dudes and everybody thinks I’m Joe Biden, AGAIN.” I just shook my head and got to work blocking all those weird accounts.

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