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My Past Week In Satire 2nd Issue #SNRTG

Silly woman with blow dryer

I was sitting at my desk trying to work on some homework, I think, and all of a sudden I felt like I started to forget everything. I felt like I was floating in space or something. I went outside to try and figure out why and what the feeling was. Then Felix, my cat, strode up to me and said “What the heck is wrong with you?” I said “I don’t know I feel really weird like some people are trying to make me forget everything during the day. Usually I get this kind of feeling when something important is supposed to happen, like when President Trump is supposed to give a speech or I meet or see a really pretty woman that IS interested in me. I wake up the next morning feeling like my head is waterlogged.”

Felix looked at me, blinked a couple of times and said “Hmmm…you got some Socialist space aliens that just crept up on you trying to inhabit your mind don’t you?” That’s probably what is was but they were trying to wipe my brain clean during the day. Then he said “Ok go inside, sit down, and let me walk on you a couple times until I have enough in me to fart. That’ll clear them out.” I said “Ok” and went inside to begin the procedure.

When Felix and I got my mind clear everything seemed ok. A couple of days passed by and I started noticing at least four or five ladies looking at me like they were in love with me. I started to say something to them while they were giving me googly eyes and then Felix put his paw in front of me then clawed my pant leg. OUCH….I thought “Ok I’ll be quiet.” He gestured at me to pick him up. As soon as I did he farted again, leaned in, and said “I thought that’d get your attention after what happened Monday. You gotta be careful because Nancy Pelosi thinks she’s the ‘Heart of America’ and the champion of the Amazon women.”

I kinda looked at him for a second while he was purring, took another drink of coffee, and nodded. He said “While I was away last night I got some more intel. Word is the T-Birds and your Uncle Larry believe in that Eugandics. So does Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton. When you were younger they came up with some schemes to get you married three times as quickly as possible so you’d run out of opportunities. They’d make you so irritated at women you’d want to turn into one of those sexless aliens like the ones from the planet BUS. Yes, I know what your thinking, part of their plan was to make all the women that might like to go bonkers turning them in to Amazon women just like Nancy Pelosi.” I said “Ok, I’ll mind my own business until one of them actually talks to me.” He said “I would, some of those lady cats are kinda crazy too. I came across one in the alley and she was walking next to a pit bull. Usually she wears glasses but she was pretty anyway. I’ve known her for years but she just wanted to play games.”

So, I asked Felix “What your saying is Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton are actually Socialist Space Alien Amazon Women and they came up with a game system to control how many times people get married and fall in love by making them scared?” He said “Exactly.” I thought “Hmmm that’s kinda weird, but ok.” He said “Also, what they do is they issue the women these invisible technology things so they can visit dudes while they’re distracted and that way they can figure out what kind of dude they like. They figured out they can get married to each other, invisibly, and all kinds of other nonsense.” I said “Well if that happens to me I’m just going to ignore them because I’m used to kicking but with that alien tech light sword you got me for Christmas. Plus, I didn’t grow up that way.”

Then we both kinda looked at each other for a moment, blinked a couple of times, and then at the same time said, we have work to do shaking our heads.

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